EP 5. becoming a person again

this one briefly mentions eating disorders, nothing gory or explicit, but the content is there for a moment, so if that is a tough spot for you right now, be forewarned. stick around, come back later, or just clock out. anything goes. 

it's been a long time since i've written anything. or anything that's in a sort of format to be shared with anyone. everything feels personal, everything feels real. which on one hand is really lovely. for the first time in a really long time, i've just felt very present. i used to struggle a lot with dissociation, and never really felt like i was either in my own body or in whatever space i was occupying. somewhere along the way in these past couple of months, something shifted. maybe everything i'm going to say is like "duhhhh girl, shut up you're twenty (oh yeah i turned twenty at some point in my hiatus) and it's not that deep!" and i think that's okay, because as you say, i'm twenty and it's not that deep. but maybe it'll resonate a bit and you can instead say something along the lines of "awww she's twenty and just like me!" side bar - i think i'm really psyched to be twenty and i just have to tell you about it el oh el. 

i think part of it was just realising i wasn't enjoying the way i was living my life. i realised i was making things harder for myself by trapping myself in old thought patterns from when i was younger and things really did suck a bit. i just held onto that, because after a while, being a little bit sick in the head became a comfort, and who was i if not the hilariously cynical teenage girl with awesome hair and metal in her skin? 

i met someone recently who is mid writing their phd thesis, and upon a little bit of interrogation i got them to talk about it to me. they were studying the use of optimism as a treatment for depression. and i was like, wait hey... that's what i'm doing that's what i did! then we had a nice little moment of "wow it really is a thing! it really works!" hopefully i'll get to read it when it's done if it ends up published somewhere, but they were telling me about all the maths and real science behind it, and all of that was never really my strong suit. 

so... i guess this little tangent here is how, i pinpointed the unhappiness and then started fixing it and then it worked, and while i had all of these big life changing thoughts, it all just felt too close to home to write or tell you, my dear reader, about. 

the unhappiness was a cultivation of several things, and turns out they were all things i more or less had control of. i used to feel really lonely, which was a very consuming feeling that i almost  felt held by in the end. it was a weird toxic relationship i had with myself, where i just wallowed in it and then was like ohh i'm all i need i don't need human connection to feel good! and then instead of feeling good i just felt shitty i didn't have any real human connection. super evil boyfriend of me to myself. i don't really know how to explain the thought process between point a and point b, but it was like a switch flipped and i just started talking to people again. i reached out to old friends, i made effort to not be left alone. which i totally get is easier said than done.

i also kind of fell down the old eating disorder rabbit hole again. unfortunately that one comes to bite me in the ass again every once in a while and i think it's one of those things that will continue to do so for a really long time. it's a little bit weird to talk about actually, because i never really have. i've made passing comments about my struggle with food and my body, so it was never a secret or anything, but i think that a big part of having an eating disorder is just the strangling sense of shame. it always felt a little bit self inflicted actually so in a way it was like - you got yourself here now you have to just fucking deal - and i think that's a little harsh. but rest assured i have been picking myself back up and putting myself back together. this was another thing where i just snapped and was like - fuck dude! this is an awful way to live and to treat myself i have to do the work. again, easier said than done and this one is totally still a work in progress. it just feels like one of things i have to say out loud to keep the ball rolling, and let the people who care know that i'm figuring it all out. 

another huge huge life update, which has contributed to my excitement for the future and will to keep on keeping on... i am a home owner. how did this happen you ask? i answered some riddles fourteen and danced for the wizard. but in all seriousness, it feels really good, and i am just incredibly grateful to be in the spot that i am, both physically and from a point of privilege. 

but it feels like i know where i'm going now! everything feels real and adult, did i mention earlier than i'm twenty? and i know that in the long run, i'm really not much of an adult, i'm still bad at that math and science, and sometimes i even still pick my nose. i think that having a place to call mine for pretty much forever if i wanted it to be is definitely a huge part of my psyche turning around, but also it was already starting to turn and this just sped it up a little bit.

right okay so like shut up a bit now talk about something else. eeeek i wanna gossip with you guys a little bit but i actually do not know who reads the blog so there is totally a limit to what i can tell you. i could reddit style switch out names for "anonymity" but girl if you know who i am you know what i'm talking about and i actually think that's a little bit classless.

speaking of reddit and classlessness i've been arguing on there quite a bit lately. most redditers who follow along with my yapping on there seem to be on my side (thank god) and tend to downvote my opponents. i can't even lie to you, it feels really good to get so much validation from nameless strangers on the internet. it doesn't even feel bad to get the opposite of validation from the stupid nameless strangers because they're too stupid to form coherent arguments or even insults to throw my way. one guy said i had blue hair, woah buddy you really got me good huh? jokes on him my hair is purple...ish. i've fallen back in love with the internet a bit i think. which you could argue is both good and bad. it's just such an awesome hellscape to be. i think that my love of the internet returned though, when i stopped looking at other people's content and started posting more of my own. now i am not by any means saying my content is better than everyone else's or even that it's good, but i am, quite honestly, my own biggest fan these days. and i think that sometimes you have to be! you have to think you're funny and you have to think you're intelligent and beautiful or whatever it is, because it really does start to seep into how other people think of you if you don't. this being said, don't give a flying fuck what other people are thinking of your content (unless it's bad then yeah actually fix it) or you in general (again, unless you suck then actually fix it). chances are, you don't actually suck so bad and very few people hate you! 

i think that that should be the main takeaway from this post. you don't suck and people don't hate you! things get better, things ARE better. i am happy i am healthy (ish) i am free. 

go forth and love each other. 

(as our boys would have done, i want the world to know: i love my dead gay son) (got really into heathers again.)