i've been thinking a lot about my hair lately. not so much in a omg what does it look like kind of way, but more in a what does it mean and what does it hold kind of way. though, to be fair i have been thinking about what it looks like and what colour it should be next.
in many religions, covering one's hair is a sort of protection, or preservation. whether it be for modesty or as a sort of shield. i think about what the hair on my head has seen me through, and which parts of myself i let go of when i cut it. i've been growing it out for the past couple of years, after i chopped it all off on a whim. potentially in a fit of distress. my hair had seen me through a lot by then. but now i'm growing it back out, making sure i braid it when times get tough so as to protect it in a way, not let it absorb what's going on around me.
maybe i'm full of shit, and my hair means nothing and neither does yours, but i do think that it has a way of sweeping up the mess around us, and no amount of washing it can get the dirt out.
i'm trying to organise every aspect of myself into tiny little boxes, and i'm realising more and more that i don't really have any tangible grip on who i am and what makes me, me. technically, i know the steps that i'm meant to take and the questions i'm supposed to ask myself in order to find that self; what are my values and what are my beliefs, what qualities do i possess that i can find in other people. but now that i've laid out these gatherings, i'm not really seeing the bigger picture.
i know that i value kindness and intellect, and that sometimes i act rashly and contradict those things. and i know that i value humour and empathy, and that sometimes i lack these things as well. but that leaves me in a sort of limbo, because how can a person contradict their own values on a semi-regular basis and still say that those are the things that mean a lot to them?
maybe my sense of self isn't a "bigger picture" but more of a collection of smaller drawings, strung together or positioned in a way that feels, right. but it still doesn't feel right, and i still don't know what i see when i look in the mirror.
in essence, that's why i change the way that i look. because i'm hoping that eventually something sticks. eventually i'll look at a photo of myself and be able to say, yes! that girl with the purple hair in plaits and big eyeliner is me. that's her. or maybe i'll change it too often to ever get a grasp of the "real me".
whatever, maybe it's conceited to think about what i look like so much. but the truth is, i really don't know.
i saw a video of a girl on my social media the other day, and though to myself "wow, the length of her hair really suits her". and then i thought, "her eyes look familiar where have i seen her before?". it took me a good thirty seconds to be able to take a step back and realise that the girl in the video was me from just a week prior, and that i recognised her from the mirror i walk past and spend too much time in front of every day.
initially i thought this was funny, how silly of me! to not even recognise myself. i don't recognise myself. and then i was scared. how and when did i become to detached from who i am and how i present? a couple of days later a friend of mine sent me a photo, and said something to the effect of "i SWEAR this is a photo of you". and for a really long time, i figured that it totally could've been. upon further inspection, it was not a photo of me, and to be honest looks nothing like me. but the dark hair and dark eyes were enough to trick me for a while.
she was dressed how i used to in year nine and so i thought to myself, maybe it's just an old photo? i don't even think that photo was taken in a city i'd been in year 9. the train station she was in looked too nice to be anywhere i'm from.
but all in all, somewhere along the way i've forgotten who i am, and i'm not sure when it was. but my next plan of action is to find out, and to find out how to get myself back. i didn't even talk about my nails, i don't think i want to. they're not looking so great at the moment.
Maeve x
I think your values are important and I don't think it's necessary to always embody them. As long as you are generally living by them or striving to act by your own values you can't deny that they're yours. We're always going to be dynamic people, I think, and it's possible that your values might change along the way. When searching for some sense of self, if it feels like some comfort in who you are has gone, it might be because you are a different person. If you asked me, I'd say I'm grateful to be a different person from my year 9 self.