EP.2 being nineteen, making friends, and being lonely

lately i've been dissecting my relationships with the people in my life, trying to sort through what's fulfilling and what's not. part of me feels like this is a regular transitional period thing and part of me has never felt so alone and small compared to everyone else.

i think in part this particular wave of loneliness is due to social media and how people pick and choose to share their lives, no one chooses to post the fact that they are alone or doing regular day to day things, and because i never see that, i'm trapped in this weird hole of "am i the only person just doing day to day things?" the answer is obviously no but when you don't see it in front of you, i think you get swept up in the eternal turmoil of feeling like you're not doing enough. or maybe that's just me.

making new friends is particularly hard for someone who isn't in school or doesn't join clubs or something. and this isn't to come off as a "boohoo i'm all alone", because i'm not. i have several deep friendships that mean the world to me, but i'm finding it harder and harder to maintain them, especially outside of a high-school environment where you see everyone every day all the time. i think i just want to know that i'm not alone in that.

i'm in a strange stage in my life, i work a lot, i don't go to school, and a lot of my friends also work or go to school so who even has time to just hang out these days. my most precious moments lately are when my best friend comes over just to sit on my bed while i do house chores, or vice versa. is that what being an adult is? co-existing and doing chores? because it kinda feels like it.

i keep thinking that i'm so far away from adulthood, that the real world is still out of my grasp, that i'm still seventeen. and then i meet a seventeen year old and all i can think is holy shit life gets REAL within two very short years.

i think about who i was at seventeen and part of me misses her, and i want to hold her hand and tell her that it does in fact get worse, and that maybe, even if no one wants to admit it, high-school is really great. it's constant and consistent and yeah most of the people there couldn't give a shit about you, but at least you knew them.

i think this blog is my step away from mainstream social media, a void into which i can shout at and not worry about who's viewing or liking or sharing. i think that even though i have never felt more lonely in my entire life, and even though i hate a lot about myself these days, i need to spend this time alone and think about what i value and what i don't.

i'll fix myself eventually and maybe you can too. but for the love of god someone be my friend

Maeve x